Speed dating is something I have never done; in all honesty I’ve never been interested in the concept. I may not be Brad Pitt in the looks department, but I’m no Susan Boyle either. I’m also not a fan of the traditional date, this stems from one such date I went on while a university student, things seemed to be going well until my date introduced me to her stalker, true story too.

But then I heard about a new kind of speed dating, speed dating and comedy, taking place on the first Wednesday of the month at Up the Creek.

I became interested. I’m a massive fan of comedy and the idea of speed dating and comedy actually appealed. What’s more the speed dating was being held at Up the Creek, the Greenwich venue which currently holds the title of Number one Comedy Club in the UK and is viewed by many as one of the true legendary venues of comedy.

I decided to throw myself into the deep end thinking, I’m a single man, I’ll go speed dating.

I didn’t go on my own though, that would be awkward. The weekend before the event, I put my salesman’s hat on and convinced five of my friends to join me on this excursion.

So, the motley crew was complete, all styles of personality in my posse, including a poker journalist, a teaching assistant, a forensic scientist, a historian, a biologist and of course me.

In our own version of The Goonies and with pre conceptions that every other attendee at speed dating would be either a thirty five year old grandmother or a forty year old virgin, we entered the fray. 

The UV covered “dating arena” made everyone look like either a neon vampire or a customer at a tanning salon. Sadly neither description is that far away from what speed dating was really like.

Speed dates apparently last for three minutes each, three minutes isn’t enough time to get it up, let alone have a conversation with enough weight to convince a member of the opposite sex that they want to see more of you.

All types were in attendance, we had the girls in hot pants screaming look at me, we had the guys so full of themselves they’re best described as vanity junkies.

Also in attendance were the nerds, the geeks, the university freshers, the desperate and the plain weird. One girl revealed how a speed dater had asked her, “How would you prefer to die? Get thrown of a cliff or Drowning?” 

At the end of every date you fill out your score/ comment card stating what you thought, do you want to see more of them and so on. Naturally, I picked about several dates that I thought I got on with well. I had something in the range of twenty dates and I have managed to match with none of them.

That said, the two people that did cop off claimed to be brother and sister, so maybe my luck was in.