The impossible has been known to be defeated. Man has been on the moon (according to those brainwashed believers!), man has scaled the highest peaks on earth and even sailed the seven seas – yaddah yaddah.

And now, dear readers, man has tamed Kate Moss.

Yes! Do not choke on your lapsang souchong – Jamie Hince of rock impressarios, The Kills, has proposed to his long time girlfriend and ’serial controversialist’ (our word) on the paradisal island of Mustique.

But of course, HM Press is just loathe to be happy for any woman who dares be thin, smoke and socialise whilst also being a mother, and who had the duplicity to date inappropriate men – without even the suggestion of an apology.

I shan’t even mention her blatant inability to freeze the aging process – for fear of you, dear reader, taking to the streets in an impromptu lynch mob.

But even now Kate has shown the early signs of conversion to the chattering classes with her impending nuptials, it seems their insatiable appetite for an army of hatched and matched, cleanliving Holly Willoughby alikes will not desist.

It seems Kate has served the ultimate affront to the age old institution of marriage by flagrantly running around town without a huge hunk of diamond on the nominated finger. I mean, has she not been paying attention to David Cameron about the great responsibility of taking marital rites seriously!??!?!?!!? Does she not WANT a tax break for being married?

At no point must anyone suggest that this isn’t worthy of reams and reams of print and thought, or the integrity and intelligence of mankind as we know it will be thrust into the utmost peril.