Reclaimed Meat celebrates the return to form of some of the world’s best loved, yet short lived celebrities.

To historians, high falutin’ intellectuals and those who can actually remember the mid nineties, 1996 will remain as one of the most significant years of the last century.

Why, I hear you ask? No, it was nothing to do the seismic shifts in British society which were ushering in a new era of left/centrist politics, nor the so called ‘Iraq Disarmament Crisis’  which sent ripples of fear and consternation across the world, not even the unique gains made by the US stock market following the Presidential election.

Instead, it saw five young women pioneer the post modern feminist cause through the medium of song – yes – it saw the gifting of the Spice Girls to  the women’s movement. Like, duh!?

Yes, the women who bought us the stonking anthem ‘Wannabe’, the breathy ‘Too Much’ (totally referencing Jane Birkin) and the feel good party tune ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ (which was later developed into a hit BBC2 series), are being immortalised.

The Nobel Peace Prize? No, Obama just nipped them to it…a special Academy Award for Spice World? Hmm, maybe at Sundance..Keep focused!! A musical. Their very own Mama Mia people!!! If this isn’t big news, then we don’t know what in the Chilcotting world is!!!

Yes, squeezed alongside top quality steak houses and the perennial talents of Avenue Q, Jersey Boys and Sister Act, Spice Girls: Life on the Rack (our suggestion – eat your heart out Andrew Lloyd Webber) will chronicle the rise and rise of Britain’s most powerful social movement – well, there’s yet to be a musical dedicated to say…the Suffragettes (no, Mary Poppins doesn’t count) or the work of Joseph Rowntree (no, Oliver! doesn’t count)…so we’re assuming that Spice Girl Power topped the priority list.?

But stop – before you run to book your tickets, before you spend a night braving hypothermia to get a prime spot in the queue and before you dig out that Union Jack Teatowel you wore to fancy dress about a decade ago. Wait. With this news hot off the press (there is still a huge appetite for this fearsome fivesome, I assure you) the Royal Shakespeare Company, or whoever will be orchestrating this production, have barely had time to order in the requisite amount of leopard print and platform trainers, let alone to cast a company of enthusiastic, passionate purveyors of the Feminine Mystique.

So, here at The Sharpener, we thought we could lend a hand with brief biographies and characterisation of these champions of equality (and award winning melody!).

Role: Ginger Spice

Geri Halliwell, was the deepthinker of the group, if she were any other feminist icon in the world, she would have been Betty Freidan, an intellectual and a groundbreaker using words like ’spirituality’ and ‘existentialism’ as well as disobeying royal protocal by touching up Prince Charles and with a colourful history in glamour modelling. A brief flirtation with yoga, and various public romances with the likes of Chris Evans and Robbie Williams, Geri is now mostly found on the pages of the Daily Mail, on various beaches with various well heeled property developers/similar.

Casting suggestion? Susan Sarandon – as an enemy of the establishment and an outspoken figurehead of the ‘Aged Ladies of Hollywood campaign’ we think SuSa and Ginger are really cut from the same cloth.

Role: Baby Spice

Milky skinned, blue eyed and blonde bepigtailled Emma Bunton was the ‘cute one’ (See also Rich from 5ive, Mark Owen Take That), whose guise of choice was the sparkly shift dress. Bunton, for all her ‘butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth’ malarky, was clearly a huge fan of one Vladimir Nabokov’s provocative exploration of child sexuality and predatory male paedophilia, Lolita, often referencing the Stanley Kubrick film adapation with her use of pigtails, knee socks and lollypops. She is yet to write an autobiography (she is currently a judge on Dancing on Ice), but when she does we’re expecting the same disdain of ‘poshlust’, so evident in Nabokov’s work.

Casting suggestion? Hmmm either Amelie Tautou or Winona Ryder, who have both perfected that woman/child gamine presence. We’re pretty sure Amelie can hold a tune, too.

Role: Sport Spice

Aahh yes. Melanie Chisolm, the one who got away. Whereas the other girls were freed and emancipated by their thigh skimming outfits and vertiginous heels, it seems Sporty Spice was unable to combine societal norms of femininity (form fitting clothes, writhing dance moves, inches of make up, pouting etc) with a love of sport. Her uniform consisted of football shirts and tracksuit bottoms, and was often found high kicking and backflipping in videos.

Casting suggestion? Keira Knightley? She was in a film about girl’s football once, wasn’t she? She’ll do.

Role: Scary Spice

All northern people are KRAAAZZZY and MAAAAAAD remember?!?! Mel was the loud mouthed, tell it like it is, facially pierced live wire. She had huge hair, a penchant for leopard print and was often seeing pulling silly faces during photoshoots. Mel went on to embark on a messy paternity affair with Eddie Murphy, and now performs in an ‘adult’ show in Las Vegas.

Casting suggestion? Finding actors who have retained their northern accents is really hard, can we say to start with Max Beesley, because he’s from Leeds, and get back to you?

Role: Posh Spice

The woman who needs no introduction. Isn’t it ironic that the woman who was denounced as having the ‘least talent’ has now eclipsed her fellow Spicers several million dollars over?

Casting suggestions: Kate Beckinsale, they’re great friends and Kate needs to appear in a film that isn’t a fantasy action plot. Plus, with her extensions she looks just like Beckham Spice in the Baden-Baden days.