Why? Erm, well, I don’t want to alarm you, but … there’s just a chance that you may unwittingly be in the company of a serious criminal or two! And when I say ‘serious’, I mean seriously, serious – like murderers and sex offenders for heaven’s sake!

 Granted, most of them will have paid their debt to decent society with a long stint behind bars. But what about the rest? Well, they will probably have been released from Her Majesty’s Prison by mistake. Yes, by mistake! Comforting, eh.

 Becoming just ever-so-slightly paranoid? Well, perhaps you should be, according to Shadow Justice Secretary Dominic Grieve QC who this week revealed after an investigation that 193 inmates – including murderers and sex offenders – have been released by mistake between 2005 and September this year.

 For example, only last week Jason Bethell handed himself to police after he was freed from Chelmsford prison by mistake while on remand, facing a murder charge.

And up in Durham in October last year, a prisoner by the name of Terence Clegg was released instead of his father who shared the same name and was held in the same jail.

Then there’s the case of three unnamed sex offenders who were freed under The End of Licence Custody Licence – an early release scheme introduced in June 2007 as part of the Government’s response to prison overcrowding – when they were not eligible because of the nature of their crimes, in the first place.

Blunders like these could have devastating consequences if a criminal reoffends (as has been the case), points out Mr Grieve, Tory MP for Beaconsfield.

“As prisons have become more overcrowded, staff overworked and transfers more frequent, the number of erroneous releases has shot up. This is a direct consequence of Labour’s incompetent mismanagement of the justice system,” he adds.

Well, am I missing something here? It all sounds like a case of prison authorities – overstretched as they may be – failing to implement basic checks, like: does this mugshot match this prisoner’s face and is he/she eligible for release according to our records? Any doubt should surely set the alarm bells ringing for a more detailed investigation of said prisoner’s circumstances etc.

As for identity ‘mix-ups’. Granted, people do bear the same names but as we all have different characteristics, especially facially (except maybe for identical twins), there’s no real excuse.

It all needs sorting out as a matter of urgency, perhaps it should be very near the top of the Government’s Christmas ‘things to do’ list.

But in the meantime, to those of you whose festive shopping trip I have just ruined, here’s one final message: B-e-h-i-n-d you…!

 HAVING A GOLF BALL

I’ve always considered golf to be a very, very, boring game – until, that is, good old Tiger Woods wrapped his Cadillac round a fire hydrant, and loads of nubile young ladies (three at the last count) suddenly popped out of the woodwork to either confirm or deny being linked (that term covers a multitude of scenarios) with the oh-so-very-married golfer!

 Blimey! It really must be a case of Tiger by name, tiger by nature (grrr!). And if it’s all true (ie he turns out to be not so squeaky clean after all), Tiger’s fitness level must be absolutely fantastic – I mean to think you have to train like that just to be a good golfer! No wonder it’s such a popular sport with loads of clubs everywhere.

Anyway, that’s why I’ve been brushing up on my golfing etiquette by reading this book, ‘The Good Golf Clubbers’ Guide To Course Language Vol Xl’.

Yes, it is pure fiction – but it’s amazing what you learn. For example did you know that when golfers tee off (that means hit the ball with a ‘driver’ while it’s on top of a tee – very technical) and shout ‘Fore’, it is actually to warn spectators that there’s going to be a spot of ‘foreplay’ on the fairway?! Birdies? – well, they’re what some golfers pick-up at various stages round the course.  And the much-prized ‘hole in one’? – that’s something players aim to achieve after playing a round. Erm, I suppose I could ask someone like Tiger about that one!

Joking apart, at least he has had the golf balls to apologise to his wife and family – plus all and sundry for that matter – for ‘those transgressions’ as he put it, adding in a statement: “I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behaviour and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.”

Unfortunately, Tiger is still very much in the public’s eye, and he can count himself extremely lucky that his penalty, so far, is a £100 fine plus four points on his licence for careless driving.

I don’t know about you, but I have a gut feeling that this story is going to run … and run … and run. Grrr!

 TOILET HUMOUR

Must have been a real bummer for those MPs who bothered to turn up to the House of Commons on Tuesday to find they had been plunged into crisis. No, not a matter of national importance – much more serious than that. A toilet roll shortage

Now, how would our elite politicians solve this one? Hmmm, how about sending staff over to Tesco’s, opposite Parliament, to buy anything vaguely absorbant – even Value bog rolls when you’re that desperate? – very, very, quickly. Definitely a matter of extreme urgency for our soft tissue-cosseted (unconfirmed) MPs, who really have been caught short here!

Anyway, once stocks had been replenished, relieved politicians quickly got to the bottom of the problem, finding out from suppliers KGB (no not the Russian one!) that there had been ’an issue with supplies’. It would all be sorted out as soon as possible, added the company.

And true to KGB’s words, it was! Phew, that was a close call…

 PAY UP POMPEY

Rooted to the bottom of the Premiership, players not being paid on time, a drubbing from Manyoo last Saturday and an embarrassing cup exit to Aston Villa on Tuesday – not to mention the seemingly skint Arab businessmen who now ‘own’ the club plus an embarrassing FA embargo on strengthening the squad because of financial difficulties.

That, in a nutshell, sums up Portsmouth Football Club, which has become the laughing stock of the sporting world.

Mind you, laughing is firmly off the agenda for players and supporters alike, who are deliberately being kept in the dark over plans of any sort – short-term or long-term – while the club sinks slowly into oblivion.

It’s time for owner Ali Al Faraj – who, after all, must have known the club’s situation when he bought it earlier this year – to fulfil his promise of stability.

Reveal your intentions, Mr Al Faraj – none of us are mind readers. Do you possess the necessary finances and – more to the point – do you care what happens to the club? Or are you playing a dangerous short-term property investment game?

Surprise us all with a statement – but above all, please keep away from Fratton Park for tomorrow’s must-win game against Burnley because under present circumstances your presence would neither be appropriate nor appreciated.

 On that happy note – and to all and sundry – have a good weekend!

I reckon they’ll jump at the chance – a real investment opportunity. They get ‘a picture to treasure’ with a value that will surely rocket in time, and me? Well, I just get filthy, stinking, rich – that sounds fair, doesn’t it?!

Now, where shall I start on my list? I know, how about an ex-Prime Minister. They never seem short of a bob or two after running (ruining?) the country. Let’s look under ‘B’. Aha! Blair, Tony – the ideal candidate, a man of high standards and great moral fibre.

 If he’d pose with me, I would be absolutely delighted to donate the cash to charity. But, hey, I expect he’s too busy bolstering up his multi-million pound empire with Cherie.

 And true to form, he is. In fact, cheeky old Tone has ‘stolen’ my idea (that’s my story, anyway) and – not content with making hundreds of thousands of pounds from public speaking – is reportedly charging members of the public £180 to have their photograph taken with him. Now, who in their right mind would pay him for this extremely dubious privilege? I just hope these fees do not end up in his pocket.

 I guess I’ll just have to cross Tone off as a “no” to my snappy invitation – unless, of course, he decides to prove me wrong. You never know – but don’t hold your breath!

 Mind you, no matter what happens, if we wait a few months until after the impending General Election, there’s another prominent politician whose surname begins with the letter ‘B’, who will definitely be joining my list. Gordon wouldn’t let me down, would he?!

 IT’S A STEAL

Leicestershire’s boys in blue have come up with a novel idea of how to dispose of goods bought by convicted criminals with ‘dirty’ money – most are being auctioned off on eBay to fund the county police force’s crime fighting initiatives as part of a six month trial.

 Over the past year, items worth more than £3 million – ranging from luxury vehicles to designer handbags – have been confiscated by Leicestershire Police and courts under the Proceeds of Crime Act but only goods, such as stereos, TVs and computers, are finding their way onto eBay.

 During a recent auction, bargain hunters were able to snap up luxury items including a 47-inch LCD TV (£345), an Xbox (£45), a Sony PS2 (£21) plus a Nintendo Wii (£50).

 GRAN DESIGNS

And next time someone upsets you – no matter who – why not whack ’em up for sale on the internet, just for the hell of it!

 Well that’s exactly what ten-year-old Zoe Pemberton, of Clacton, decided to do via eBay for a joke when she got a bit fed up with the constant demands of her gran, who was suffering from a knee injury.

“I didn’t know how much we’d get for her, maybe 99p,” said Zoe, who managed to keep the auction a secret from her dad, Thomas, for quite a while.

 Fortunately, all ended happily when gran, 61-year-old Marian Goodall, learnt that she was worth £20,541 – the figure at which bidding was halted !

 Mind you, it would have been interesting to see how much more she would have fetched but, as an eBay spokesman put it: “While no doubt Mrs Goodall would have fetched a princely sum, eBay does not allow the listing of any human-being on the site.” Spoil sports!

 Oh well, back to the drawing board Zoe!

 BRAIN DRAIN

Now I know why I’m not ‘the brightest bulb in a string of fairy lights’, so to speak. It’s nothing to do with the amount of grey matter I actually possess – it’s all because of the margarine I slapped lovingly on slices of bread and toast during my early school years!

No! I can’t say I’m convinced, either. But after a study involving children born in the mid-1990s, researchers at Auckland University in New Zealand, say youngsters who ate margarine daily had lower IQs than those who did not.

In fact, during intelligence tests conducted at the age of three-and-a-half, they scored three points less than other children. And it could all be due to a higher content of trans fats in margarine of that era – something that we don’t have to contend with nowadays, according to the researchers. So, there you have it.

However, in my case, I can’t help wondering if it’s possible to reverse the effects. Now where’s that pack of butter?

 BIG DROPS…

From one pea-brain who has so far survived, to another that hasn’t. Step forward the humble, but awesome, dinosaur which fizzled out not because of a ‘big bang’ (that’s when an asteroid collides with Earth, for example), but due to what these days is considered a pea-brained ailment: erm…a sore throat!

Scientists from the University of Wisconsin-Madison have apparently found evidence in the remains of a Tyrannosaurus Rex to back up their theory that the species was wiped out by trichomonosis, an avian parasitic infection of the throat and mouth (usually found in, and transmitted by, birds) that could have been so severe it caused the seven-ton 42-foot giants to starve to death.

Well, that may be so, but all I can say is it’s a damn good job it wasn’t due to ‘man flu’. Now that would have been worrying!

 …AND BIG FLOPS

Amongst the ever-increasing surveys into our sex lives comes news that the English (note that it’s not ‘the British’) are trailing well behind the rest of the world when it comes to l-e-r-v-e.

 A poll of 15,000 well-travelled (that phrase is certainly open to individual interpretation!) women by global research website OnePoll.com concluded that the English male is very lazy in bed ‘letting women do all the work’. Absolute rot, I can’t believe that!

Anyway, men from Wales were considered selfish and those from Scotland too loud. Amusingly, German lovers were ‘too smelly’, while the plaudits – boringly, but predictably – went to the Spain, Brazil, Italy and France.

But worryingly, the survey doesn’t actually mention which nation wins the booby prize, if you’ll excuse the pun!

Another study – this one, courtesy of researchers at the University of Leeds – concludes that after lovemaking, while the man falls gently to sleep (probably exhausted after letting his partner do all the work!), the woman will turn her thoughts to…housework. Yes, housework for heaven’s sake!

Mind you, it’s only when you read halfway through the blurb that you realise that this research was conducted on fruit flies, which pass on a chemical – or sex peptide – to the female during mating. This somehow changes her from sex bomb to housework fiend in an instant – leaving the male to slumber on peacefully!

 Isn’t nature wonderful?

 Have a great weekend.

In fact, his expressed desire to adopt Lev – a 14-month-old Ukrainian baby whose mother is thought to be HIV positive – was pretty much like waving a (or should that be the?) red flag to a bull in the eyes of Church spokesman Father Georgy Gulyaev.

In a verbal attack on the singer – who, in 2005 entered into a civil partnership with his partner David Furnish – he is quoted as saying: “Thank God it’s impossible under Ukrainian law for Elton John to adopt a child.”

Of the Church’s stance, Fr Gulyaev adds: “People pretend to have good intentions, create semi-marriages and so-called families, and moreover they dare to adopt children. Unlike people who are blessed by God to create natural families, these are people who succumb to their passions.

“This is definitely a sin – there is no other word for it – and the Church will never agree that people who have created same-sex ‘marriage’ could also dare to adopt children.”

Well, I think we all (well, the vast majority of us, anyway) get the good Father’s message, don’t we?

But having said that, the story does not end here. For Ukraine Families Minister Yuri Pavlenko – who, just days ago refused to even contemplate the child’s adoption because of Sir Elton’s age and same-sex marriage – has come up with a compromise.

The move, which could prove to be extremely controversial, could allow the pop star and his partner to bring up Lev in the UK, while also involving the child’s mother who would retain parental rights.

Call me a cynic, but doesn’t that sound like a form of watered down adoption? It will certainly be interesting to see whether or not Lev’s mother warms to this compromise.

In the meantime, silence from the direction of Sir Elton’s camp.

YOU CAN’T BEAT IT

Oh no! Phil Collins has just revealed that he may never play the drums again – to which the obvious punchline is: “I didn’t know he could, anyway!”

Sorry fans (or fan, for that matter – as it seems a heck of a long time since anyone has heard from him), but apparently 50 years of drumming while in a poor posture has taken its toll on the 58-year-old star, who now says his hands aren’t functioning normally and it is impossible for him to play either the drums or piano.

Poor old Phil! How on earth will he manage to survive on his millions?

WATER REVELATION

I’m never, ever going to take another shower because … well, it’s just plain dirty!

At least, that’s what American scientists at the University of Colerado have concluded after research on 45 shower heads showed nearly a third harboured potentially dangerous bacteria (mycobacterium avium to be exact, a bug linked to lung disease) – just waiting to be sprayed all over whoever’s trying to scrub him/herself clean. Horrible thought, eh?

Apparently, slime that builds up inside the shower head acts as a breeding ground for bacteria, giving protection from deadly chlorine in the water, which would provide a terminal solution – to the bugs, that is.

On second thoughts, having considered the alternative to showering – i.e. basically bathing in your own diluted dirt – I’ve reconsidered my position and will resume ‘dicing with death’ in the shower with immediate effect!

LAMB CHOPPED

When will grown-ups – particularly teachers – ever learn that children become extremely upset when something they love dies?

In this case it was Marcus the sheep, who ‘got the chop’ this week after being nurtured for three years by pupils at Lydd Primary School in Kent, which has its own farm.

So it comes as no surprise to learn that most of the youngsters were absolutely heartbroken by Marcus’s demise, which headteacher Andrea Charman described as an exercise to teach children about the food chain and the local economy.

Well, ten out of ten for teaching pupils that meat does not just come from supermarkets, but zero for the way it was executed (if you’ll forgive the pun).

Maybe it would have been better for youngsters not to have become so emotionally attached to a living thing that was destined for the dinner table, accompanied by mint sauce.

However, I fear the lesson still has not been learned because the school’s masterplan was to raffle joints of Marcus’s meat for cash to buy a few pigs. And guess what’s going to eventually happen to those cute little piggies?

Just don’t mention sausages to the pupils, Mrs Charman!

Have a good weekend, everyone else.

Now that’s the kind of news men really want to hear in these troubled times (which somehow never seem to affect a ‘good night out’).

For example, male speaking to female: “I know I haven’t got a job or much money, but if you keep on boozing like this, your stomach is going to be at least two inches bigger than mine – and that’s very bad for your health. So, I think I had better drink that pint for you, darling….” Get my drift? I’m sure there are plenty of variations!

 Anyway, the findings by researchers at University College London have opened up a whole new world for blokes!  On second thoughts, the study did focus on men and women aged from 45 to 69 years in Poland, Russia and the Czech Republic, so it maybe a little premature for male tipplers in the UK to raise an extra glass or two!

 BEDTIME PRAYERS

And if you are a testosterone-filled love machine who has raised an extra glass or two (just to be sociable, of course), it might even be time to say a prayer – before bedding your loved one!

 Well, that’s according to the Catholic Truth Society, a prominent London-based Church group which invites newly married couples to recite its specially composed ‘Prayer Before Making Love,’ before hitting the sack (or swinging from the chandeliers).

 Apparently it is all aimed at purifying intentions so that the sex act is not about selfishness or hedonism.

Erm OK, that’s all well and good but I just hope that the prayer recital isn’t longer than the actual performance. That’s the time for men to start worrying – and praying!

 Might be more appropriate for a few words of thanksgiving after a successful session  – with a cigarette and a glass of wine for good measure.

 OUT OF THIS WORLD

I have often been accused of being on a different planet. But over in Japan, there’s a woman who reckons she has actually visited one.

 Sixty-six year old Miyuki Hatoyama, the wife of Japan’s Prime Minister elect, is convinced she was transported to Venus in a triangular-shaped UFO, 20 years ago while her ‘body was asleep’.

 “It was a very beautiful place and it was really green,” she wrote in her book entitled ‘Strange Things I Have Encountered.’

Not so strangely, her then husband brought her down to earth with a bump, saying it was just a dream. But present hubby Mr Hatoyama, 62, is seemingly much more supportive. “My current husband has a different way of thinking,” she wrote. “He would surely say: ‘Oh, that’s great’.”

 Oh, dear! Good luck Japan!

MONKEY BUSINESS

Good news for heavy metal bands. Your music has a wider-than-anticipated audience – monkeys to be precise!

Apparently there’s nothing cottontop tamarinds like more than tossing their shaggy manes around, headbanging to a spot of Metallica.

Researchers in America played various styles of music – including classical and jazz – to a group of the monkeys, and only songs from hard rock bands caused a reaction.

Eat your heart out Beethoven!