Tony Blair, President of Europe – five words that leave me (and, I expect, many others) feeling slightly queasy and very uneasy where democracy is concerned.

 And with democracy in mind, it would appear that the European Parliament could actually learn a lesson from BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing, which actually gives the public a chance to vote. For example: have Ministers/MEPs produced a shortlist of presidential candidates and given us (not forgetting the electorate from all EU member countries) the chance to vote? Answer: no – and don’t forget we in Britain have not had the chance of a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty, through which the role of president is created. Very democratic!

 Instead, the new president will be ‘chosen’ by leaders of the 27 EU states in the near future.

 The whole situation becomes even more outrageous when one learns that the first president could receive a staggering £3.5 million over five years and would pay a special EU rate of tax, averaging at just 25 per cent. Doesn’t that just smack of ‘one rule for me, and one rule for you’?

 Now if Mr Blair lands this coveted new position – and it seems an inevitable outcome unless mass European protests force a total rethink – he will not only become the most powerful man in Europe with a personal staff of 20 plus private jet to fly him round the globe, he will be the EU’s face at international summits, where he is likely to supplant the role of British Prime Minister. On top of all this, there are perks galore in true European parliamentary gravy train-style.

Happily, opposition to Mr Blair’s candidacy is growing. The Tories are lobbying EU leaders, and a petition is to be reopened after organisers were deluged with thousands of requests from across Europe.

Organiser Jerome Guillet, of the magazine European Tribune, is reported to have said: “A lot of the opposition comes from the UK.

 “Tony Blair would be a terrible president. He is just interested in grandstanding for himself. The last thing we need is more spin.

“He tried to divide Europe over Iraq, a conflict where many war crimes were committed. He is completely unsuitable.”

 That pretty well sums up everything.

Up for another challenge? Well OK, let’s stretch your imagination. The scene suddenly changes to a lavish dining area somewhere in the heart of the House of Commons. Now, try again. Only this time, can you distinguish between the behaviour of Man and beast? What do you mean, you can’t because they’ve all got their snouts in the so-called trough? Surely some mistake…

Virtual reality? Well, it’s probably closer to the truth than one would like to imagine. For many of our hard-up elected political representatives have apparently been busy running up a staggering £140,000 in unpaid meal bills, while wining (shouldn’t that be swining?) and dining ‘at work’ in the House – which boasts an incredible 19 restaurants, bars and cafes (an obscene number of eateries for an over-privileged bunch of so-called politicians).

The revelation comes courtesy of figures released under the Freedom of Information Act, which show that 329 MPs (that’s more than half of those sitting in the House) owe a total of £138,046 for food and drink bills – an average of £419 each.

Of these, 104 haven’t settled up for more than three months, with a further 77 still owing a total of £45,150 – that’s £586 each – after more than six months.

So, with the expenses scandal still fresh in everyone’s mind, it’s good to know that MPs have learned at least two important lessons (maybe a hint of sarcasm here). One: always leave your wallet/purse at home. Two: keep on ‘extracting the urine’ from the electorate – the humble taxpaying public, which subsidises said meals, booze etc in the first place – for as long as possible.

What a disgraceful state of affairs. Name and shame the arrogant swine, I say – or at least bring us their heads on a plate! Alternatively, the establishment could close ranks to protect the culprits.

And guess what? A House of Commons spokesman has refused to divulge the identities of MPs with unpaid bills. They were, he adds, sent regular reminders about their debts.

Well, that’s all right then. Nothing liked tough action to solve an unacceptable problem, eh.

High time for order in the House, methinks.

 ULTRA PC

So, Her Majesty the Queen will soon be able to relax in the Palace with the knowledge she is under the watchful eyes of not only ‘straight’ police officers from Scotland Yard’s Royalty Protection Branch – but also gay, lesbian and transgender ones, too!

Nothing wrong with that, I add hastily – especially as it is the brainchild of Metropolitan Police chiefs, who this week sanctioned a job advert inviting ‘special groups’ to apply to protect the Royal Family at Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and Balmoral.

Hopefully the move – which could be described as ultra PC – will result in allaying apparent concern within the Met that there are not enough officers from minority groups on royal protection duties.

RABBIT SWANSONG?

For years they have had more rabbit than Sainsbury’s, but popular ‘rockney’ duo Chas (Hodges) and Dave (Peacock) have finally run out of words.

 So, depending on your view of their particular brand of music, the news that the cheeky, chirpy, cockney chappies are calling it a day and going their separate ways after nearly 40 years, will be viewed as either heartbreaking or a blessing in disguise!

On a sad note, the split follows the death of 64-year-old Dave’s wife, Sue, from cancer. “Understandably Dave has taken his loss very badly and he hasn’t the heart to continue gigging, and with regret he has decided to retire from the music business” the duo’s agent Barry Collings is reported as saying.

Happily, though, the show will go on – thanks to Chas, 65, who has vowed to continue playing their hits under the name of ‘Chas and His Band’.

So, listen out for the melodic sounds of such rockney greats as Rabbit, The Sideboard Song, Ain’t No Pleasing You and Snooker Loopy, issuing forth from a venue near you.

Gertcha, Dave – and good luck!

 TIGHT SPOTS AND BRIEF ENCOUNTERS

Isn’t it great to see that men’s fashion designers haven’t lost their sense of humour over what they think we should all be wearing under jeans (well, I suppose it will be suits for all you rich City slickers) to keep warm and look slimmer  this winter?

I am, of course, referring to men’s tights or ‘mantyhose’, as they have been dubbed. And here is my problem. I just cannot imagine any red-blooded male ever admitting – let alone wearing – tights (albeit designed and manufactured for men) in the first place.

On reflection, I suppose there are exceptions – and everyone has a right to choose when it comes to keeping in touch with one’s feminine side!

However, David Walker-Smith, Selfridges’ director of menswear and beauty, managed to sum it all up perfectly: “This winter, the City’s most stylish men will have a secret weapon hidden in their trousers.”

Yes, but what about the mantyhose, David?!

Meanwhile, there’s good news for left-handers who will no doubt be relieved that they can now buy underpants specially designed to save time when using the stand-ups in the gents toilet, for example!

Apparently, the secret is all in the gusset which sports a horizontal slit on top, rather than a vertical one on the right (for right-handers, obviously).

For those who do not understand the technicalities, Rob Faucherand of Debenhams, explained: “Left-handed men have to reach much further into their pants, performing a Z-shaped manoeuvre through two 180 degree angles before achieving the result that right-handed men perform with ease.”

Ah, well that’s cleared that up then. But how are they going to work when worn under mantyhose? The mind boggles!

 Have a good weekend.

 So there’s nothing more galling than Shadow Leader of the House of Commons Alan Duncan bleating on about how MPs are ‘treated like s***’ and ‘forced to live on rations’. One can only assume the ration he refers to is the £64,766 salary – a hefty amount per annum by most people’s standards – he knew he would receive if he was elected to sit as a Tory MP for Rutland and Melton. Sadly, he was.

 And the poor lamb is positively distraught at to being described in some quarters of the national press as a ‘multi-millionaire’. Ah, I suppose with an alleged fortune of about £2 million, he may consider he has a point there! How on earth does ‘old moneybags’ manage to survive?

Still, it’s great to learn that even if he does stand for re-election (come on Gordon, for heavens sake give us a date) his seat is going to be well and truly contested – thanks to the efforts of a couple of sleaze-busters, journalist and former MP Martin Bell plus former Beirut hostage and Church of England envoy Terry Waite.

 In the name of ‘honest politics’, the dynamic duo have been busy behind the scenes recruiting up to 25 independent candidates to stand for election against MPs caught up in the expenses scandal, of which the silver-tongued Mr Duncan was one. Hopefully these candidates will succeed in restoring public faith by replacing those who have pulled the wool over the eyes of the electorate. A new era? Possibly.

 Anyway, given the worst scenario (some would say the best outcome) and Mr Duncan doesn’t make it back to the House he could always take a political leaf out of the book of former Liberal Party leader Lord David Steel who, at the age of 71, has embarked on a new career and is giving talks on a cruise ship alongside minor celebrities such as Bullseye host Jim Bowen and TV gardener Charlie Dimmock!

On second thoughts, I don’t reckon the hard done-by Mr Duncan would want to risk upsetting his shipmates – for example, they could mutiny and make him walk the plank. And ‘old moneybags’ would certainly make a big splash! Lifebelt? I don’t think so…