Tiger Woods has finally found residential accommodation that will suit him down to a tee for the foreseeable future – in a top establishment treating sex addicts.

Yep, good old Tigrr apparently checked into the Pine Grove Behavioural Health and Addiction Services clinic in the remote town of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, on December 30, to undertake a six-week ‘Gentle Path’ treatment programme.

Ah! Well, that explains why he’s been out of the news lately. But did he go there of his own accord – or was he pushed? Well, what do you think? Yes, he was pushed, of course – pushed by his long-suffering wife Elin, allegedly in a trade-off to keep the floundering marriage just about alive for the sake of the couple’s two children, daughter Sam Alexis, two, and son Charlie Axel, six months. Apparently, had Tigrr not agreed to this course of action, Elin may have decided to take the youngsters back to Sweden.

But hang on a mo, I wonder what this so-called ‘Gentle Path’ programme might consist of for a ‘squeaky clean’ golfing superstar, suddenly exposed as a serial adulterer with links to at least ten women! Electric shocks in sensitive areas? Or a bit of ‘Bobbit’ surgery, perhaps?!

Well, not quite. During his six-week stint, Tigrr will undergo psychiatric consultation, behavioural therapy, trauma work (erm, why does he need trauma work?) and something called ‘relapse prevention counselling’ (probably a verbal warning, like ‘put that blonde down immediately’, coupled with a massive electric jolt)!

Anyway, it’s not all bad news. For example, Tigrr can opt to take part in art classes (female nude studies? Doh!), plus exercise and fitness regimes. Mind you, this is balanced with ‘shame reduction’ work, a grief group plus a spirituality group (yee ha – three corkers there, eh!), and – the final nail in the coffin – yoga! Now if that was me being subjected to all that, I’d have already taken the easy way out by swallowing my No 2 iron!

But Tigrr is not in such a fortunate position. His £37,000 bill for the course includes a top treat, if ever there was one: family week when his ‘just about’ wife will join in with his therapy sessions – and listen intently as her naughty hubby is forced to admit each of his sexual dalliances in detail on ‘Disclosure Day’! Will one day be even be enough, I ask myself?!

We’ll all just have to sit back and wait to see how Tigrr copes with this incredible treatment regime. I just hope he takes his six-week vow of celibacy – a standard agreement he would have had to sign on entering the clinic – seriously. Always a good starting point – especially in Tigrr’s case!

I expect he’s already counting the days, hours, minutes and seconds to his departure – and hopefully a triumphant return to to the professional golf clubbing circuit later this year.

S-I-X weeks? Blimey, that’s a long, long time…

SCARY SIGHTS

How bizarre is this: British soldiers fighting in Afghanistan using weapons with gunsights inscribed with a Biblical message?

Purchased by the Ministry of Defence (MoD) this week for use against the Taliban, the sights for the Sharpshooter assault rifle are etched with ‘JN8:12’ – a specific reference to St John’s Gospel, chapter 8, verse 12, which states: “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said: ‘I am the light of the world, Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life’.”

Naturally this has sparked just a tad of controversy, with LibDem defence spokesman Willie Rennie pointing out: “It’s pretty shoddy that the MoD missed this.

“It may be used by some of our enemies as evidence to convince its followers that we are engaged in a religious war between Christianity and Islam.”

And how right he is. But, irrespective of religious views, who on earth would think of etching such an inscription on a weapon of war?

Well, that’s an easy question to answer isn’t it?! Erm, how about an arms company in the jolly old US of A called Trijicon, founded by – strangely enough – a devout Christian. Need I say more?

Anyway, the MoD has played down any implications. “Our priority is to buy the best-performing equipment available on the market,” said a spokesman.

While the official line from Trijicon is: “It’s not something we make a big deal out of. But when asked, we say: ‘Yes, it’s there’.”

Quite – but should it be?

 VEGGIE FRIGHT

All over the country there are undoubtedly loads of worried children who have just read about a brand new vegetable that parents might try shoving down their throats! Worse still, it’s a cross between a sprout and curly kale! Aaargh (I’m only writing what you are thinking)!

Yes indeedy, the ‘flower sprout’, as it is known, may look a bit like a purple and green triffid (well, it does in the picture I’ve seen), but – children aside – I reckon it’s destined to be a sure-fire hit with adult veggie connoisseurs.

For a start, it’s the first new vegetable to be made available to consumers since tenderstem broccoli in 2002 and secondly it’s hitting the shelves at Marks and (only the best, you know) Spencer! Read into that what you will – but guess where members of this family do not go food shopping very often!

Anyway, described as tasting similar to sprouts (the words ‘oh, dear’ spring to mind, here!) and developed for M&S by British growers, it is due to go on sale at stores on Monday. And apparently it is best eaten steamed or stir fried, thus optimising all the B vitamins, folate and iron it contains. Not much anyone can say about that, except it sounds ‘quite good for you’!

The final word goes to farmer Martin Haines, who is growing the new crop in Chipping Camden, Gloucestershire. “We are so excited. I think our other sprouts are green with envy.”

Erm, right Martin – can we forget about the sprout influence, please?! I think I’ll put my focus on a pint of blueberry juice which, according to researchers at the University of Cincinnati, could help memory loss.

Now, what was all that about a new vegetable…?!

U-TURN

Ah ha! So Gordon Brown is willing to appear before the Iraq Inquiry ahead of the General Election, after all! Amazing what a bit of pressure can do, isn’t it – and all in the wake of Jack Straw saying he warned Tony Blair that invading Iraq to topple Saddam Hussein would be illegal!

Good old Gord now says he will be happy to give evidence ‘at any time’, but only in his capacity as Chancellor up to 2007 – ruling out controversial issues like the withdrawal from Basra and his performance as Prime Minister.

Oh, well – not long until ‘our Tone reveals all’, I suppose.

 On that happy note, cheers for now and have a great weekend.