Jet some 115 world leaders – including our very own Big Gord (aka Gordon Brown PM) – into Copenhagen to ‘save the planet from global warming’ and what happens? Well, not only does the hot air they produce (verbally and from their mode of transport) contribute to the very problem they are trying to solve, it drifts over to the UK and dumps a whole load of snow on us!

 

Yes, that conference has a lot to answer for because by the time you read this, the country (England, anyway) will probably be paralysed by massive snow drifts – or half a millimetre of the white stuff. Take your pick, we all know that depth doesn’t matter – the effect is still the same: total transport chaos!

 

Ah, so this is global warming? Well, excuse me while a put another layer on and burn some more furniture on the woodburning stove! I always understood that the world’s weather pattern changes over time – irrespective of how man with a capital ‘M’ behaves on the planet – and there ain’t much anyone can do about it.

 

Mind you, the whole emotive subject is a great excuse for this ‘Christmas party’ in Denmark at which each pontificating leader seemingly tries to outdo the other with words amounting to: ‘We’re better at saving the planet than you, so there’! If the situation is so serious and we are in the midst of a manmade crisis, why can’t America and China just grow up and blaze a trail for the rest of the world to follow regarding reduced carbon emissions? And why are we all (well, most of us) still oil-reliant – oil for heating/generating electricity, petrol and diesel in vehicles etc – instead of swiftly swapping to a cheap viable green alternative? I expect various governments and oil companies would soon come up with a very good (ker-ching) answer to that one!

 

So, here we all are in the grips of an icy global pantomime farce. Every regime knows how to reduce carbon emissions but they sure as hell aren’t very good at implementing any worthwhile measures. Meanwhile, the future is portrayed as gloom and doom: melting ice caps, a big hole in the ozone layer, rising sea levels, unpredictable weather etc, etc. Just don’t forget that it’s merely another episode in the history of this planet – one that would probably have happened anyway! 

 

Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen conference? Nah – just a lot of hot air. Hang on a minute, isn’t that where we came in? Doh!

 

BIRDIE WATCH

Amazing! Elin Woods, wife of the Tigrrr, has reportedly hired a divorce lawyer. What on earth kept her so long – and does she really need one anyway?!

 

Tigrrr has already admitted his ‘transgressions’ and, if a divorce does go ahead, hopefully he will ensure that Elin and the children want for nothing. They are the innocent parties after all.

 

Anyway, I must just include a little resumé (any excuse!) of this week’s action. Alleged mistress number 11 (blimey!) Cori Rist, 33, a New York model with a seven-year-old son, said she thought she was the only woman in Tigrrr’s life when he told her his marriage was on the rocks – until, that is, she caught him secretly sending text messages to another mistress while he was in bed with her!

 

If I was Cori, I know exactly what I’d have done with that phone!

 

And now there’s the little matter of Theresa Rogers’ claim that Tigrrr is the father of her six-year-old daughter. In fact 48-year-old Ms Rogers has engaged a lawyer to represent her in talks with the golfer’s representatives as she pursues a £2 million ‘hush money’ payout.

 

Things don’t seem to be getting much better for Tigrrr do they? – but, of course, that’s just par for the course!

 

ICE ONE

I’ve just found this year’s must have Christmas present (hint, hint!) – a bit of a controversial choice really, as it’s earned a ‘bad taste’ tag in one quarter.

 

It’s called the Gin And Titonic (subtle, eh!) Ice Tray. Just fill it up with H20, bung it in the freezer for a while and, hey presto, out comes an ice model of the RMS Titanic. Brilliant!

 

Then all you have to do is whack it in your G & T – and wait for it to sink (or melt, whichever comes first). But apparently, if you’re quick and blessed with really good eyesight, you can actually see tiny little scale models of Kate Winslet, arms outstretched on the bow with Leonardo DiCaprio – plus a  band playing on the deck – as The Titonic smashes into your slice of lemon! Great, eh – a bit of fun, and a novel talking point if ever there was one.

 

Erm, did I say fun? Well, not according to secretary of the Merchant Navy Association Tim Branch, who says: “It’s a bit of a sick idea and it is distasteful to the people who suffered (Titanic sank on her maiden voyage in 1912 with the loss of 1,522 lives) and their families.”

 

Oh dear, I can see his point but hey, one has to remember that this product is nothing more than a novelty ice tray.

 

It is ‘functional and fun’ stressed a spokesman for American Manufacturers Fred And Friends.

 

Anyway, regardless of controversy, cheers everybody. Whoops, there she goes again – and how cool is that?!

 

 

EURO BAWLS

Bingo halls could soon be reverberating to the sound of new number-calling if politically correct Eurocrats have their wicked way.

 

Gone will be cries, such as two fat ladies (88), old age pension (65) and overweight (28), under utterly pointless guidelines on ‘gender neutral language’, issued by bureaucratic MEPs in Brussels who must have nothing better to do.

 

‘Non-gender-specific titles’ is the buzz phrase (I have another suitable one) used by these buffoons, which effectively bans the use of Miss and Mrs – even if one happens to be addressing a Miss or a Mrs.

 

Tory MEP for Scotland Struan Stevenson admitted that many decisions coming from Europe were ‘absolutely laughable’, adding: “We are no longer allowed to address our female colleagues as Miss or Mrs because it implies their marital status.

 

“I can see this PC madness reaching bingo halls, where they still enjoy a little bit of fun and banter.

 

“These people [the MEPs responsible for the guidelines] should go and get a life, rather than try to make our everyday existence a misery.”

 

And so say all of us – including more than 2,500 bingo fans, who are supporting an internet initiative to protect players from being forced to use the PC language, plus founder of the Plain English Campaign Chrissie Maher.

 

Rob Hutchison, of OnlineBingoClub.co.uk, said callers used the number 88 nickname ‘because it looks like two fat women’.

 

“It’s worth sticking up for before we get some diktat from Brussels saying it’s derogatory to overweight customers,” he added.

 

“At the end of the day, fat is fat. What’s the alternative? Two generously proportioned people of either gender? It’s not very snappy.”

 

Indeed it’s not, Rob – and I can see some horrendous problems when it comes to alternative descriptions of other cries under threat: dirty knees (33) and legs eleven (11) to name but two. 

All I can say is ‘up the bingo revolution’ and down with the Brussels Eurocrats. Let’s send them all on a one-way train ticket down ‘the Brighton line’ (9)!

 

Have a great weekend – and don’t study the footbal scores too closely (Portsmouth v Liverpool)!