There are two things that upset me about the ‘09’ year of each decade. Firstly, I am confused by the global conviction that this constitutes the end of a decade. As far as I am concerned, a decade begins in year ‘1’, not year ‘0’. Of course, either option is equally viable; but surely this impenetrable ambiguity should completely remove the need to celebrate the death of one decade and the birth of another?

My second annoyance is a direct result of the first… the abhorrent and feverish proliferation of ‘top ten films of the decade’ lists. Top ten lists are nothing more than arbitrary attempts to recall and compress our favourite memories in order to free up more space for the next decade. Quantifying the mystical and romantic beauty of the cinema is a disastrous exercise; and it saddens me to see so many otherwise respectable film critics doing just this.

Even The Times, who had the decency to extend the list into a ‘Top 100’, have as their top five:

1) Cache

2) The Bourne Supremacy / The Bourne Ultimatum

3) No Country for Old Men

4) Grizzly Man

5) Team America: World Police

One European art film, one big budget action series, one US indie, one documentary, and one animated comedy. Very… very convenient indeed; but I defy you to find a human being on the planet who honestly agrees with the list. Also, and with the exception of Team America, none of these films was made in the first half of the decade. Think on it.

I therefore refuse to turn my back on the hundreds of less memorable – but equally important, moving, and revelatory – films that I have watched this decade by creating such a list. I will, however, compile a list of other ‘Top Ten’ lists from more trivial and whacky branches of life, thus removing myself by one degree from this heinous activity. And so I present to you my ‘Top Ten ‘Top Ten of the Decade Lists’ of the Decade… List’.

1) Top Ten Most Influential Internet Moments of the Decade

There can be no doubting that the internet is the biggest hit of the decade, so a reminder of the leaps and bounds we have taken over recent years seems like a harmless and worthwhile idea to me.

2) Top Ten Most Unwinnable Arguments of the Decade

The same questions that have plagued us for centuries still didn’t get answered during the first tenth of the third millennium… maybe next year!

3) Top Ten Conspiracy Theories of the Decade

9/11, avian fly, tsunamis: these were all unspeakably horrific events for the global community, but imagine how much more scarring they were for the pot-smoking youths who still check under their bed to see if Reagan or Elvis is waiting to get them!

4) Top Ten One Hit Wonders of the Decade

The end of a decade is always a good time to look back at the people that we should never have heard of…

5) Top Ten Hockey Fights of the Decade

I dont approve of violence, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy watching it in a sporting arena between consenting adults. Watch these gargantuan skaters reeking damage on each other in the name of sport.

6) Top Ten ‘David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists’ of the Decade

Mostly an excuse to use the phrase ‘Top Ten’ again, there are some genuinely funny lists in here. Watch out for Napoleon Dynamite reading the ‘You know you’re not the coolest kid at school when…’ list.

7) Top Ten Goals of the Decade (Soccer)

Some film fans cloak their love of the beautiful game for fear it will bleach their intellectual visage. I was just such a film fan, until I heard Werner Herzog proclaiming his love for Joe Cole. Now I brandish my blue colours wherever I go. This is a pretty good selection of goals from across Europe, at both club and international level.

8) Top Ten Most Infamous Businessmen of the Decade

When 9/11 happened, nobody could imagine any other event defining this decade… but we were wrong. We didn’t need Bin Laden to destroy our financial institutions, these trusted members of our own clans did it for us.

9) Top Ten Political Scandals of the Decade

Everybody loves a political scandal, they are always less costly and more debauched than financial scandals. Unfortunately this is only an American list, and however filthy those Washington-types think they are, they will never live up to the Conservatives blue background (who forgot about Profumo?!)

10) Top Ten Worst Dining Trends of the Decade

A ‘top nine ‘top ten of the decade lists’ of the decade list’ would have looked pretty stupid, so this fairly boring list made it in just to bump up the numbers… at least I’m honest!