Remember VHS tapes? They were those massive black things, as thick as nearly 20 DVDs (trust me, I just did a comparison) that provided grainy pictures and had the fatal flaw of deteriorating over time. This meant that your favourite films would die a slow death whilst rubbish ones sat on the shelf in pristine condition. Remember pausing VHS tapes? You couldn’t see anything for the blur and screen tearing. But the machines made lots of satisfying, mechanical clunks and clicks, which is something that DVD players do less of, sadly.

In the late 90s my family acquired around 50 movies on VHS from a friend’s infirm grandmother, who did nothing but watch incredibly violent films that she ordered from a catalogue. I never met this woman, but I imagine that she was an impressive lady. Amongst the titles available to us were various action movies from the 80s and 90s, mixed in with some softcore porn, which the woman in question must have ordered by mistake after reading the innuendo-laced blurbs. Or at least this is what I choose to believe.

Anyway, in amongst this mix were many films that came to shape my childhood, and probably make me the person that I am today. With that in mind, I present to you my next two selections to add to the (slowly) growing library of rubbish films that are actually really good. If you have a fairly broad understanding of that word.

The 13th Warrior

Antonio Banderas has gone off the radar a little bit of late, but back in 1999 when The 13th Warrior was released he was hot property. Kids nowadays will know him as ‘that bloke from Spy Kids’, or worse ‘the voice of Puss in Boots off of Shrek’. He takes the leading role as an Arab chap sent to be an ambassador to the Norse colonies because he angered his superiors. It’s basically the ancient equivalent of an FBI agent getting reassigned to Alaska. Based on a book by Michael ‘Jurassic Park’ Crichton, the plot hangs on factual accounts of ancient times with a bit of Beowulf fantasy thrown in for good measure. And it doesn’t really work. But quite a few of the individual elements are delightful.

One particularly bad bit, which is also brilliant, is the process by which Banderas learns the language of the Norsemen, with whom he embarks on a quest to protect a remote village from an unknown evil.* A short montage of Banderas sitting around the camp fires over the course of the journey to the village, listening to the gradually unfolding conversations and understanding a little more each time, is silly. And his final revelation that he has learnt their language and can understand the insults that they throw at him is sillier, if only because he retains his Hispanic/Arab accent throughout the movie. I get what they were trying to do, but I can’t help but find the result funny.

I also like the bit when Banderas cuts down one of the Norse broadswords to make himself a little scimitar.

The rest of the film is messy, forgettable and anticlimactic, but the violence and action are handled well. Apparently Crichton took on directing duties alongside Die Hard director John McTiernan, and whole thing was way over budget and a bit of a disaster during production. But I don’t care, because Banderas, man, you stole my heart on VHS.

The Specialist/Assassins

I’ve grouped these together because they came on a single VHS, as a kind of double feature of trashy filmmaking. The Specialist features Sylvester Stallone working as a master bomber man, lured by Sharon Stone’s lady of vengeance into a plot to kill some wise guys. This film is made worthy of a watch because of the presence of James Woods as a deranged CIA agent who is also looking for vengeance. There is also an excruciating sex scene followed by an even more gratuitous shower scene featuring the Italian Stallion and… Ms Stone. It’s about as appealing as watching a body builder grappling with a member of Mensa. Which is precisely what happens.

Assassins is similar to The Specialist in that Stallone seems to rely on everyone else to act for him, and in this case it is the hyperactive presence of Antonio Bandera’s rival assassin that brings some much needed energy to an otherwise ponderous opening section. This being a Richard Donner picture, it has some pretty decent bang bang moments, but the whole ‘assassin with a heart of gold’ role that Stallone lumbers along in makes for a film that feels less realistic than Avatar. There is an edge of techno-babble added by Julianne Moore’s appropriately named Electra, who doubles as the love interest, and all of the computing equipment is brilliantly archaic and rubbish by today’s standards. Which is always fun.

The best scene in Assassins occurs early on when Stallone gets assigned to kill a man at a funeral. He turns up in his mourning garb with an impossibly large cast on his arm. Inside the cast is a machine gun. He stands a little way away from the group of mourners, and takes aim with his poorly concealed weapon. But before he can pull the trigger, Antonio Banderas takes out the mark from the opposite side of the cemetery. Banderas is dressed as a janitor, and in his attempt to stroll casually away from the scene is spotted by Stallone, who initiates a pitched battle amongst the tombstones. The pair duke it out for a while, and then the cops come and arrest Banderas but miss out on taking Stallone down town for no apparent reason. Probably because he taped over the hole in the cast where the bullets come out with a plaster.

If you have any suggestions for rubbish classics to add to the list, let me know below.

*SPOILER – it turns out to be people dressed as bears, which is nice.