I was kind to New Moon. I think that I’m a little off balance this time.

Passive, pastel-skinned nymphet Bella Swan is at it again. By doing nothing more than looking pensive and pushing her hair behind her ample ears, she’s got werewolves salivating and vampires lusting after more than just blood, and I admit that I still don’t get it. We’re three films into the Twilight Saga, and Eclipse has once again failed to convince me that Kristen Stewart’s character has anything to offer other than the wardrobe of a petite emo lumberjack and the personality of a lobotomised mannequin. But then perhaps that’s the point. It’s easier to project yourself onto a character and imagine Edward’s cool embrace or Jacob’s firm pectorals if you’re presented with a blank canvas.

Of course Eclipse is more than a masturbatory aid. It’s a film, with a plot, some action and even violence that has only been partially sanitised. I thank director David Slade for that, and it’s no surprise since he pulled the same trick three years ago with the more than adequate 30 Days of Night. However, I would contest the general critical consensus that this is the best of the three films. New Moon still had a bit of character development to forge, and although it did not have the wealth of secondary players as Eclipse, here the new additions feel like they appear, get a cursory once-over and then are left untouched for large chunks of the film. For avid fans of the books this isn’t a problem, but for someone who’s only seen the films it can render certain encounters meaningless, and it definitely detracts from the tension which might otherwise accumulate as the climax approaches.*

Plot-wise the film is pretty bare-bones, with ginger harpy Victoria building an army of vampires in Seattle to attack the Cullen clan and get revenge on Edward by killing Bella. This largely plays out in the background, with the focus firmly fixed on the star-crossed love triangle and its appropriate penchant for hyperbolic teenage effusions on the topics of romance, love, sex and marriage. Fans of abstinence will be pleased to see the no sex before marriage mantra bubble to the surface once more, and in one particularly cloying scene Edward describes how he would have courted Bella if they had been human together in the past. I found myself mumbling ‘Just shag her for Christ’s sake!’ at Robert Pattinson’s projected face, temporarily distracted from the irony of that piece of advice. I don’t think I was the only one.

Talking about a new Twilight movie makes me feel even more impotent than usual in my role as self-appointed opinion-spewer. The huge fan base is sure to be satisfied, and Eclipse is unlikely to win over anyone who didn’t enjoy the first films. Having said that it will probably appeal to people who like a voyeuristic session watching couples get frisky in parks when the slightest hint of sunshine is glimpsed. The rest will just want to throw a disposable barbeque at the leads.

*Hah, climax.