I cannot believe that the 2007 rendition of Transformers has a higher IMDB rating than it’s 80s counterpart! Granted, there’s not much between them, but how can Michael Bay’s explosion porn be compared to gut-wrenching sight of watching some of your childhood heroes reduced to scrap metal?

It’s partly to do with age, obviously; not many kids today will have seen the classic animated movie or series, despite both being far more readily available now than they were a few years ago. On a simple design level, though, these new ultra-realistic Transformers are just so ugly! Part of what made the original series and movie so compelling for me was that there was something human in these machines, both visibly and emotionally. Bay has tried to recreate this feeling, but no amount of spittle, re-focusing irises or eyebrow movements fully convinced me of his machines’ humanity. It’s almost too visceral, comically so.

Without giving in to the nerdrage, and you must understand the self restraint that takes me, let’s look at the design of our protagonists, starting, of course, with Optimus Prime.

Optimus Prime old (left) and new (right)

There’s so much happening on the face of the new Prime, each part of his face vying for my attention. Compare this to the spartan design of the original Autobot leader, basically a helmeted human face.

Ironhide old (left) and new (right)

Let’s look at Ironhide now, Prime’s second in command. I don’t know about you, but just from looking at the humanoid form of the new Ironhide I can’t immediately tell what kind of vehicle he is, something the original clearly doesn’t suffer from. What’s with that face? Where’s the humanity? Can’t beat a low-detail human face with a bright red helmet in my opinion.

Bumblebee old (left) and new (right)

With Bumblebee, though, you’ve got to hand it to the new turks, they’ve really done a great job. Not only did they pay homage to his original car in the 2007 movie, they also realised that the helmeted look was the way to go. The car doors protruding from his back remind me of the wings of his namesake and is a look sported by a lot of the original Autobots, but let’s be honest, you’d have to have done pretty badly not to improve on the original Bumblebee – what’s with those horns?

Next post we’ll do the Decepticons, don’t you worry.